Currently Reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Book 1) By J.K. Rowling see related

Warning: terrific pitty party below. Proceed with Caution! Enter at your own risk!

I'm feeling a little depressed...

And i cant really decide why... usually I get the Seasonal Affective Disorder, (aka- lack of sunshine=gloomy emmy) in February, but i didnt this year, but now i think i have a touch of it in May, perhaps because its more gray outside lately than it's been all winter.  We've had a plethora of storms and rain and clouds.  its been really odd. 

Last night Ray had to fly late.  he went in about 3pm and I got off work and went home at 5pm.  I was going to go work out like usual, but I didnt because it was gray out and I was sleepy.I'm glad I didnt go, because by 6 it looked like the storm of the century was about to hit.  I was at home, by myself (grr) and our stupid satelite stops working when its too sunny out, so you can imagine what it does, or doesnt do, rather, when its storming.  So i have no way to know if we're about to get hit by a tornado or what, all the animals are running around wrecking things b/cuz they're afraid of storms too, and I'm shutting all the blinds thinking about which animal i'm going to grab first to drag into an interior closet with me if the sirens start going off... wondering if i'm going to get shredded by kitty claws... cussing ray for being in the military and not at home.

finally the storm passes and I think, hey its only one night. no biggie.  then he texts me and says he's flying tomorrow night too.  GRRRR. Emily = not pleased.  And i didnt see him hardly at all on Monday night because of my sign language final, but we did go buy bicycles, not that we've been together to go ride them...and Thursday, I'm coming to see a movie here at work, so it'll be Friday before we get to spend any time together.  Then we have basically one week left together before our crazy road trip starts, and then when we get back it'll be June. 

Ray leaves for the desert in June.  Probably the 12th. 

If him leaving me at home alone for ONE NIGHT can make me this depressed.... whats going to happen after 4 months?  I want to marry someone who is going to be there for me and my children.  My real dad lived in another state, and my step-dad always was traveling.  I dont want that for my life.  I want a husband who is going to be my best friend, my partner. 

I read a great quote on Tevebaugh's Facebook profile.  It was by Anais Nin, and it said:

''How wrong it is for a woman to expect a man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.''

Well that about sums up my life.  And I call myself a feminist.  ha. 

I'm here in abilene, I've got a pretty cool, if boring, job, i'm making what i consider to be shit for money, but is really good here in abilene, I'm applying to grad school to teach deaf ed, and I'm all but married to a military man.  Granted we'll only be stuck in West Texas for 3 more years, but does anyone else feel like i'm setting myself up for a cynical and bitter life of military wife/teacher/lame-o-ness?  Theres got to be something more.

Monday at Sign Language, we all did some sort of final performance.  2 of the teachers that have been married forever, like 30 years, signed this song:

When God Made You, by New Song

(Guy)

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

~chorus~

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

(Girl)

Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
(guy):So gone are all my questions about why (girl echoes):about why

Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

Bridge

He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i'm for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

Chorus

(guy) He must have heard every prayer I've been praying (girl echo)
I've been praying (both)He must've knew everything I would need

When God made you, He must've been thinking about me.

By the time it was over, I was just boo-hooing because you could just tell that even after 30 years together, they were just still so much in love.  You might think it's a little too religious for me, but the god-stuff wasnt the point, it was the love stuff that i liked.  I really feel that way about ray.  sure we have our problems.  it'd be weird if we didnt,  but he's great.  we're great together.  I just hate that the military takes him away from me.  for one night, one week, two months, all summer, forever?  who knows?

I dont know if I have some sort of delusional idea of what it would be like to be married and spend every evening at home togther, since I dont have that now, and I didn't grow up with that, but... I think it would be nice.  Nice for the couple, nice for the kids to have both parents around...  That is the kind of thing I want.  And I'm not sure that the military can provide that.  I was so lonely last night, that I started thinking I wanted to have kids soon.  I thought waiting till I finished my degree would be so long off, 3 years, and I couldnt wait that long.  and even if i did wait till i finished my degree, i dont want to work after I have kids for a while, anyway, so maybe I just shouldnt go back to school... What??? who is that thinking in Emily's head?  I dont even like kids.  Then, luckily there was a crying baby in the lobby and I was instantly cured, but still. I'm lonely enough to think about having kids?  those are crazy thoughts. I even looked up Development in a baby's first year of life to see what Ray would miss by being deployed for 4 short months.  it was CRAZY.  of course, my point of that was to show him why the military is evil and you could never go back and see your baby's first smile or first word if you missed it.  I feel like I have to convince him to get out of the military, but I know that is not possible, so that leaves me in a really awful place.  Forced to be lonely and alone, to handle storms and problems and whatever life may throw at me by myself, because I will not bring a child into this world with a father that isnt around.  I wont do it. So I guess that is a sacrifice I'll have to make to be content to be on my own.  all the time. 

I dont know if i can do that. 

As much as I'd like to think i'm strong enough to deal with it, I dont think I am.  I just dont WANT to.  I know the military provides a lot of support, both financially and otherwise, but ... surely ray could find that somewhere else if he got out.  but why even think that way.  he's committed for something like at least 6 more years, and then at that point he'd be a fool not to retire in. 

Last night I ate 2 pieces of pie, a whole plate of left overs, and a candy bar.  In that order. 

Its no wonder I cant lose any weight, even though I"m working out 3 times a week and "dieting". 

And financially speaking, we're screwed.  This road trip is going to cost us at least $1000 not to mention I have to buy new tires and get a $300 tune up before we can leave.  And i want to be able to make stacey's wedding special and not have to worry about money, but? 

I think i'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. 

The deployment is approaching way too quickly, and I think him working nights this week is just forcing me to deal with it prematurely...

I'm trying to make the days count, and not count the days till he leaves but its going to get harder before it gets better.

Dont get me wrong, I've made some great great girlfriends here, all military wives/girlfriends themselves.  I realized what a great group of girls I have here on Saturday, when we were all in the kitchen together.  But, one is moving across the country in June, one of them is moving to Dallas, one is pregnant, most are really conservative.  And well they all have significant others of their own too.  so when he's just gone for the night or the week, they're busy with their own lives.  luckily all our guys will leave at the same time so we'll be together in that.  But still.  what if something traumatic happens while he is gone? One of my best girl friends here found out she was pregnant, lost the baby, planned a wedding all by herself the last time he was gone.  She also got mugged this week.  HERE IN ABILENE.  hello!  I mean, that has nothing to do with her husband being in the military, but what if that happened to me while ray was gone??  you know he'd feel responsible.  and it is his duty to protect her and make sure she's safe.  and how can they do that when they are in another country for MONTHS at a time. 

Thank god its only the Air Force and not the Army, where they're gone for YEARS at a time.  I saw on the news last night some troups will miss TWO STRAIGHT CHRISTMASES.  thats bull shit. 

UGH!  I'm so pissed.  and i feel trapped.  I love him. what are you gonna do?  I dont want to leave. 

 but I dont want to be a military wife.

Wondering what you all think about this...?

God and His Gays--- (from the Washington Post)

By Harold Meyerson
Wednesday, March 21, 2007; A15

"Science is stealing up on America's religious fundamentalists, causing much alarm. Consider the dilemma of the Rev. R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville and a leading figure in the Southern Baptist firmament.

Writing in his blog this month, Mohler acknowledged that " the direction of the research" increasingly points to the possibility that a "biological basis for sexual orientation exists." Should sexuality be determined in utero, Mohler continued, that still wouldn't justify abortion or genetic engineering.

Nonetheless, as Mohler noted in a later blog post, his admission that the data suggest that homosexuality may be as genetically determined as hair color produced a torrent of irate e-mail from his fellow evangelical Christians. Up to now, the preferred theory among Christian conservatives has been that homosexuality is behaviorally induced and thus can be unlearned. That gave added moral weight to the biblical proscriptions of gay and lesbian sex and to the Bible's condemnation of homosexuality as a sin -- though for those who believe in biblical inerrancy, no added moral weight was necessary.

But once you recognize homosexuality as a genetic reality, it does create a theological dilemma for the Mohlers among us, for it means that God is making people who, in the midst of what may otherwise be morally exemplary lives, have a special and inherent predisposition to sin. Mohler's response is that since Adam's fall, sin is the condition of all humankind. That sidesteps, however, the conundrum that a gay person may follow the same God-given instincts as a straight person -- let's assume fidelity and the desire for church sanctification in both cases -- and end up damned while the straight person ends up saved. Indeed, it means that a gay person's duty is to suppress his God-given instincts while a straight person's duty is to fulfill his.

Mohler's deity, in short, is the God of Double Standards: a God who enforces the norms and fears of a world before science, a God profoundly ignorant of or resistant to the arc of American history, which is the struggle to expand the scope of the word "men" in our founding declaration that "all men are created equal." This is a God who in earlier times was invoked to defend segregation and, before that, slavery.

This is a God whom vast numbers of this nation's self-professed believers (not to mention its nonbelievers, such as I) neither heed nor like very much, particularly the young, who in growing numbers support gay marriage and certainly don't consider gay coupling any more sinful than they do straight coupling. That said, this God still commands millions of followers, among them Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of Old Time Religion, who recently declared homosexuality immoral in an interview with the Chicago Tribune.

Indeed, this God commands so many followers that the initial tendency of presidential candidates who know better was to duck when they themselves were asked last week about the morality of gay sex. Sen. Hillary Clinton, when first asked if homosexuality was immoral, answered that it was for "others to conclude," before righting herself to say that she didn't think being gay was immoral. Sen. Barack Obama, according to Newsweek, avoided a direct answer three times before coming to his senses and disagreeing with Pace. The spokesperson for Sen. John "Straight-Talk Express" McCain said that "the senator thinks such questions are a matter of conscience and faith for people to decide for themselves." Such political and moral contortions are hardly confined to presidential candidates.

In Utah, a new law requires school principals to police every student organization to ensure that there's no discussion of "human sexuality" (though experts believe the topic may still come up among teenage students). Lest it seem discriminatory, the statute applies to every student group under the sun, but it is entirely a reaction to the formation of gay-straight clubs at Utah high schools.

There is, however, no ban as yet on high school biology teachers discussing the biological basis of homosexuality, and as the data confirming this thesis continue to mount, that could confront even those of Pace's persuasion with Mohler's conundrum: how to reconcile a God who creates homosexuals with a God who condemns practicing homosexuals to hell? A mysterious God may be well and good, but a capricious or contradictory God can inspire so much doubt that He threatens the credibility of the entire religious enterprise.

After all, there are few American believers who don't profess at least some faith as well in the verities of proven science and the rightness of our national credo's commitment to human equality. By effectively insisting that God is a spiteful homo-hater, his followers saddle him with ancient phobias and condemn him to the backwaters of American moral life."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/comments/display?contentID=AR2007032001428  For comments that have been posted about this article. 

Here is just one of many comments that I liked:

"Is this the same Bible that also advises that people who work on the Sabbath should be stoned to death Numbers 15:35 and condones the beating of slaves since the slave is the owners property Exodus 21:21. Why is it only the anti-gays passages are carved in stone? Jesus praises those who make themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven, but conservative Christians rarely lead the way with self-castration. In the New Testament, Matthew and Luke describe how Jesus cured the beloved servant of a centurion - and some scholars argue that the wording suggests that the pair were lovers, yet Jesus didnt blanch. Religious bigots cite one part of the New Testament that clearly does condemn male homosexuality - not in Jesus words, but in Pauls. Do we really want to make Paul our lawgiver? Will we also enforce Pauls instruction that women veil themselves and keep their hair long? Paul disapproved of marriage except for the sex-obsessed, saying that it is best to remain unmarried as I am. So if were going to cherry-pick biblical phrases and ignore the central message of love, then perhaps we should just ban marriage altogether? It would certainly solve the problem of twice and thrice-married Republican moralists."

Spring Time!

so rays a HUGE nerd- or just a movie buff.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
( x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 10

(x) The Princess Bride
(x ) Anchorman
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
( ) Saw II
(x ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x ) Anger Management
(x)50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
(x ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 19

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x ) Scary Movie 3
( x ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 29

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x ) Resident Evil 2
(x ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x ) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 38

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
(x ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x ) White Chicks
(x ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 44

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(x ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
(x ) Kingpin
( ) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) King Kong
Total so far: 53

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x ) Dumb & Dumber
(x ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(x ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-Mas
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 61

(x ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(x ) Ghost Ship
(x ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 69

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
(x ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
(x ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 78

(x ) Bad Boys
(x ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Seven
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x ) Predator I
(x ) Predator II
(x ) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 88

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
(x ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
(x ) My Bosses Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(x ) Rush Hour
(x ) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 94

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x ) Mars Attacks
(x ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x ) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x ) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 104

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x ) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(x ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 118

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 121

(x ) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
(x ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x ) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 127

(x ) BASEketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x ) Elf
(x ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 131

( ) The Jacket
(x ) Kung Fu Hustle
(x ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 137

( ) High Tension
(x ) Club Dread
(x ) Hulk
(x ) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x ) Waterworld
Total so far: 144

(x) Kill Bill: Vol. 1
(x ) Kill Bill: Vol. 2
(x ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 148

(x ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x ) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x ) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x ) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks: Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks: The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 154

(x ) The Matrix
(x ) The Matrix Reloaded
(x ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(x ) Evil Dead
(x ) Evil Dead 2
(x ) Team America: World Police
(x ) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Total: 163